The Story of Daniel

This recitation is remembered from the days when Bob Lauder used to recite it in the Hunters back room but is work in progress as it is so far incomplete. An American recitation called "The Night of the Kings Castration" uses some of the phrases from this version but is very different. The similarity is that both versions are about Daniel and the King.

The first lesson is taken from the second bottle in the third crate.
And Daniel did walk between Sodom and gonorrhoea, when he was fallen upon by thieves. But these were no ordinary thieves, they were thieves of the arse-hole. And they ragged, and they shagged him, and they thoroughly debagged him, and finally sent him on his way with a sore arse-hole, but a pocket full of gold, singing “Twinkle, twinkle little, rectum, big prick come when least expect ‘um”.
And Daniel did come near to the court of the King, where he was taken in and made much of. And the Queen did invite Daniel to take tea with her. And the Queen did say unto Daniel, “Will you have some tea”. And Daniel did say unto the Queen “What sort of tea have you?” “Well”, said the Queen, “We have some F A R T and some S H I T”. “”I’ll have some C U N T”, said Daniel.
And it did come to pass that there was writ upon the King’s wall. And the King was sore distressed, because he knew not what had been writ upon his wall. So the King called to his First Soothsayer, and said to him “Soothsayer, what is it that has been writ upon my wall?” “Forsooth”, said the First Soothsayer. “I know not!” The King did then call to his Second Soothsayer, and said to him “Soothsayer, what is it that has been writ upon my wall?” “Forsooth”, said his Second Soothsayer. “I know not!” The King did then call to his Third Soothsayer, and said to him “Soothsayer, what has been writ upon my wall”. The third Soothsayer, who was a little older and wiser than the first two, said, “Forsooth My Lord, I know not, but it be Hebrew”. “Ah”, said the King, “I have but one Hebrew in my court, and it be Daniel, bring him to me”. So Daniel was brought before King. And the Kind did say unto Daniel, ““Daniel”, what is it you have caused to be writ upon my wall?” “Arse-holes”, said Daniel, that thought being uppermost in his mind at the time.
For this, and sundry other offences, Daniel was cast into the Lions’ Den.
And while Daniel did sojourn in the Lions’ Den, he did shit an almighty turd, fully twelve cubits long, by three cubits wide, and two cubits high - even the lions were sore amazed! As the king was passing by the Lions’ Den, Daniel did take the turd and throw it at the King, catching him just below the left ear-hole. “Shit”, said the King. “Right first time”, said Daniel.
And the King did come even unto Daniel while he was sojourning in the Lions’ Den, and said unto Daniel, “Show me your locks”. Daniel, being of a young and innocent disposition, said to the King, “What locks are those?’ “Your boll-locks”, said the King, and laugh was on Daniel, and so was the King.
The King's daughter did come unto the Lion’s Den. And Daniel, who had learnt a thing or two by now, did say unto the King’s daughter, show me your “T”. “What ‘T’ is that?’ said the King’s daughter. “Your C U N T”, said Daniel, and the laugh was on the King’s daughter, and so was Daniel. And they became lovers, and did run away to hide in the desert.
And when the King heard that Daniel had escaped with his daughter, he was sore distressed, and did follow them, with twenty thousand horses, and twenty thousand horse-men, and twenty thousand camels and twenty thousand camel-men, until they came near to the place where Daniel was. And Daniel did take a piece of dung from the desert floor, and threw at the King, catching him below the right ear-hole.
“Shit” said the King, and eighty thousand arse-holes turned to the west, for in those days, the King’s word was law. “Stop” said the King, who had seen it all before! And eighty thousand turds were nipped in the bud. “Fuck me”, said the Queen, more in hope than in anger. Twenty thousand were killed in the rush, and an old venereal Jew, with horn-rimmed testacles, who had been quietly masturbating in the corner, waddled forward, and grabbing her by the lapels of her minge, pulled her on like well-worn wellington boot.
Here endeth the 1st lesson;
This is the word of the Lord.