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The Boatswine

This recitation used to be performed by Ken Dawe who hailed from Cornwall so this is the Cornish version of many others. Audience participation is required and shown in italics.

Ken comments as follows:-
At Exeter University in the early 50s we had a drinking club called the Borough. We had taken the name of a defunct borough and ran our meetings in a formal way. We had a mayor who ran the meetings to a rigid format. For instance no one was permitted to drink until the Mayor had sent the Borough Constable to search the cellars. My major post was Keeper of his worship's Boatswine. To achieve this elevated status I was tutored by the previous incumbent and could only assume the role when he was satisfied with my performance. All this was done by word of mouth as The Boatswine should never be written down. I broke that rule and gave Phil Hendy a copy as I did not want it to die with me.
Now for The Boatswine itself. I do not see the point in general of using mock Cornish (eg vuck for fuck) although I have used it when really necessary. It is up to the presenter to use his own interpretation of the Cornish dialect.

Gentlemen this be a tale of old Cornwall :-
'T'was in the year of our lord one thousand seven hundred and fuck all when us did set sail from the port of Port Bollocks in Corwall and the captain 'e says lift the fucking anchor,and Lord Bill 'e says lift the fucking anchor and me I says lift the fucking anchor, but the boatswine, ah clever bugger 'e were, 'e says "stick the fucking anchor up your arse".
And so it did come to pass that a storm arose and the captain he says "what a fucking storm" and Lord Bill 'e says "What a fucking storm" and me, I says "What a fucking storm" but the boatswine, ah, clever bugger 'e were, 'e says "I seen a fuck sight better storm in a teacup".
And it did come to pass that we was all wrecked off the foreshore, not foreskin mind you, of the Goddam Islands. And the captain 'e swims ashore, Lord Bill 'e swims ashore and me, I swims ashore, but the boatswine, ah, clever bugger 'e were, 'e paddled ashore in an empty latrine bucket.
And when we were assembled on the foreshore, not the foreskin mind you, of the Goddam Islands, coming towards us we were able to see a motley throng, led by the King of the Goddam Islands syphilitic sod, with his wife, voluptuous bitch, their two daughters, affoble abortions, his 293 concubines, conubial cunts, and peering at us from the bushes one was able to observe the whole population of the Goddam Islands, bloody shits.
And so the King of the Goddan Island syphilitic sod said let us away to the arena and let us there see the Medicine man, piss begotten bastard and his magic. And so us did all adjourn to the arena and entering there one was able to observe the Medicine man, piss begotten bastard and his magic. So, titivating his tool to a tremendous height, he did balance thereon, one army hut, two rolls of Dannat concertina wire, one letter from Timothy Whites and one packet of W.D. and H.O. Wills Wild Woodbines, the only fucking brand, did cavort thirty three and one third times round the arena, to the delight of the king, syphilitic sod, to the amusement of the queen, voluptuous bitch, to the amazement of their two daughters, affable abortions, to the professional pride and admiration of his 293 concubines, conubial cunts, and to the unbounded disgust of the whole population of the goddamn island, bloody shits.
And the captain 'e says, "bloody' good", and Lord Bill 'e says, "bloody' good", an' me, I says, "bloody' good", but the boatswine, "Ah clever bugger 'e were", 'e says "I could do a fuck sight better myself". And so titivating his tool to an unprecedented height and sticking it up the arse of the medicine man, piss begotten bastard, and bearing on his tool the said load of one medicine man, piss begotten bastard, one army hut, one roll of Dannat concertina wire, one letter from Timothy Whites and one packet of W.D. and H.O. Wills Wild Woodbines, the only fucking brand, did cavort sixty six and two thirds times around the arena, to the delight of the king, syphilitic sod, to the amusement of the queen, voluptuous bitch, to the amazement of their two daughters, affable abortions, to the professional pride and admiration of his 293 concubines, conubial cunts, and to the unbounded disgust of the whole population of the goddamn island, bloody shits. And to the everlasting glory and honour of the British Navy

The presenter then asks everone to stand and all sing Rule Brittania etc. with due solemnity.

Ken says that this is as accurate as memory and old age will allow and spent ages deciding between 'witch doctor' and 'medicine man' but thinks he got it right.
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