I am the very model of a modern speleologist,
I'm thought by all to be a very eminent geologist,
I know how helectites are formed, I'm gen on archeology,
And reel off facts on carbon tests and speleobiology,
I'm very well aquainted too on matters of geography,
I'll tell you where a cave is from descriptions of topography,
I'm expert on formations, an although it may sound rather trite,
I never get mixed up and call a stalagtite a stalagmite,
I know all Mendip back to front, from Wookey Hole to Farrington,
I've read Boyd Dawkins, Casteret and Herbie Balch and Barrington,
In fact as cave authority and eminent geologist,
I am the very model of a modern speleologist.
Upon an expedition I am nearly indispensable,
An argument about this fact is simply indefensable,
I'm calm in an emergency, in danger underground I'm brave,
You'll never need the M.R.O. as long as I'm around a cave,
From dicey situations I escape with great agility,
Photography and survey work I tackle with ability,
And estimate cave distances both angular and linear,
If pressed I can prepare delicious bat soufflé for dinnear,
Then later, in the Hunters, I've a fund of jokes both coarse and clean,
I know three extra verses of the 'Farmers Boy' and 'Angeline',
In fact as cave authority and eminent geologist,
I am the very model of a modern speleologist.
However, I have never from a ladder slipped and come adrift,
I've never whistled casually while going through the wire rift,
'Nor scraped off all the skin from both my kneecaps in the pebble crawl,
I've never lit a cigarette when underneath a waterfall,
I've never held a party up, or stuck myself completely tight'
In places like the Nutmeg Grater, Purgatory or Dons Delight,
I've not been in an accident, or even a close shave at all,
To tell the truth - I've never even been inside a cave at all!
Because I brag so much about my qualities of leadership,
My fellow cave club members won't allow me on a caving trip,
But still as cave authority and eminent geologist,
I am the very model of a modern speleologist.
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