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Score of the Expert Caver song
Alfie was encouraged to write this song after a group of cavers had to be rescued from Swildons when they abseiled down a pitch then pulled down their rope after them, preventing their return to the surface. Goatchurch is a beginners cave and the M.R.O. are the Mendip Cave Rescue Organisation.

I am an expert caver and I'll tell you 'ow it's done,
Although it's ruddy 'airy, we 'as a lot of fun,
We does a lot of practice 'cos it keeps us 'ard and fit,
Like when I did the long round trip, it shook me quite a bit,
In Swildons? No in Goatchurch mate! I ain't a bloody twit!

So listen while I tell yer, about our ruddy capers,
An' 'ow I got me flamin' name, in all the ruddy papers.

We abseils down this pitch and then I gives the rope a tweak,
To pull it down 'ere with us, thats what I calls technique,
Some people are so stupid that they wouldn't have a 'ope,
They'd leave the damn thing hanging there and find they couldn't cope,
Then if they found another pitch they'd have no flamin' rope.


We walks on down this passage but there ain't another drop,
And when we reach a narrow bit, I tells 'em all to stop,
"Some people like to push a squeeze, there are some bloody twits
who think they're bloody clever if their bloody body fits.
Stand back and let an expert caver blow this thing to bits."


We gets into this grotto and I kicks some stal abaht,
To show 'em 'ow us experts, can sort that clutter aht,
I puts me flamin' boot in and I knocks it all around,
It makes them grottos bigger and besides, I like the sound
them little glassy bits make when they 'its the flaming ground.


We gets back to the pitch and someone makes a ruddy fuss,
He says "the rope should be up there and not down here with us",
I said "don't be so stupid there's no ruddy need to shaht,
It's just as well you've got an expert bloke like me abaht,
We just sit here and wait for M.R.O. to get us out,


The M.R.O came down at last, they don't 'arf take their time,
They threw us down a ladder, and then a flippin' line,
I tied some sort of knot in it and scarpered up it quick,
And then this rescue bloke, he tried to tell me I was thick,
I nearly put the boot in, I didn't 'arf give 'im some stick.


I did't waste no time 'wiv 'im I soon got ruddy 'aht,
When this reporter asked me, what it was all abaht,
He spoke to me quite nicely 'e could see I 'ad some sense,
And when I read the papers I could tell 'e wasn't dense,
'e said I was a caver, of great experience.

So listen while I tell yer, abaht our ruddy capers,
That's 'ow I got me flamin' name in all the ruddy, papers.